ch. 2: the crooked
something happened last night…
And it involves the main character in Ch. 2’s Midwest Fable, who will also introduce our first song…
christian name: bill crewks
Goes By: Billy Ray
Nicknames: Billy the Kid, Thumbs, The Shit Bandit
Birthplace: Lacon, Illinois
Prominent Features: Opposable thumbs, Ringed tail, Always wears a mask (even before COVID), a Suspicious gait
Skills: Fitting into tight places, Tackling cornstalks, Breaking and entering, Pooping in public places
Midwest Fable: From an early age, it was apparent that Billy Ray loved the night life. He was born half way up an old, dead oak tree, in an ideal location behind some old man’s house (well, it would be ideal if it weren’t for the coondog, but we’ll get to that soon enough). There was a pond nearby, and Billy Ray would sneak out with his brothers in the middle of the night. They’d snatch frogs, lick their backs to catch a buzz, then bite the heads off, before ransacking the old man’s garden and climbing up the cornstalks in neighboring fields. But Billy Ray grew restless…he started plotting for a bigger score…
And it all went down last night… Shortly after the the old man turned off the lights, Billy Ray snuck up to the house. He ate the cat food on the porch, then cut an opening in the screen door and slid through it. No time to waste, Billy Ray took a shit behind the couch (his calling card) and tip toed into the kitchen. After rummaging through a couple cabinets and dumping out jars of beans, rice, and sugar, he spotted the BIG cabinet - it was metallic white, detached from the rest, and it put off a gentle hum sound. When he opened it, the light hit him, and Billy Ray figured he musta found the gate to the Heavenly realms. Losing all sense of caution, he dove into a side of bacon, covered himself in chocolate syrup, ransacked a bowl of hard-boiled eggs and drank three beers before knocking over a jar of pickles with a CRASH!
That coondog barked (remember Sam, from yesterday?), a light went on down the hall, and Billy Ray hit the hardwood. Slippin and slidin on chocolate syrup, he tore through the living room and back out the screen door, which crashed down behind as Sam flew through the door frame with little elegance. Billy Ray dipped and dodged his way to the nearest tree and climbed out onto the first branch he came to, looking out over a spitting, barking, furious Sam and watching as the old man approached with a lantern and a weird lookin stick.
The old man shouted, pointing his stick, “Dammit, you shittin raccoon, ya done ruint m’kitchen!”
“Why old man, you’re not only mistaken, but also betrayed - I’ve been up here in this tree for hours, with a clear view through your kitchen window. Your dog just had a feast!”
Where Is Billy Ray Now?: Keepin some Russian fella’s head warm.
Moral of the Midwest Fable: You can blame others for your own mistakes. But eventually, you might not only have to face them, but also their loved ones. And then it’ll be your hide wrapped around a sweaty Russian head.
speaking of ‘weird lookin sticks’…
Here’s another song:
disclaimer: i do not encourage murdering anyone, even if they’ve been “sniffin around your woman [or man]”
(that should satisfy my concerned publicist :)
#MidwestAF (except for Dave’s Allman Bros. t-shirt)
“comin’ home again”
The last song for Ch. 2 doesn’t really fall into the “crooked” category…then again…maybe it does…
I suppose it depends on how YOU interpret the song…how YOU imagine the characters…their personalities, their actions, and their history. You might ask, “How did they get here?”
I find songs in different places. Sometimes I find them on the side of a road when I’m jogging. Sometimes I find them in a friend’s passing remark. And sometimes I find a song while driving down Route 26, along the Illinois River, late at night, heading home from a recording session at Dave’s house.
That’s where I found “Comin’ Home Again” back in March of 2017. Here are the lyrics:
I can hear the grass, blowin in the wind
I can feel the sun, risin off the sand
I can smell the earth, dry from no rain
But I just can't see, you comin home again
I can see your car, disappearing in the heat
I can hear the sound, of a cowboy's heartbeat
I can smell the eggs, fryin in this pan
But I just can't see, you comin home again
I can hear the words, that you were screamin at me
And I can feel the floor, hittin my knees
I know we've been through hell, makin ends meet
So maybe you'll find the life you're lookin for
In a life without me
I can smell your perfume, as you lie next to me
And all my senses burn, with these memories
I see a long dusty road, stretched out ahead
But I just can't see your car ever come back down that road again
No I just can't see, you comin home again
Dug through my phone and found this shot from Apr. 8, 2017 - the day I put the finishing touches on “Comin Home Again.” Been a lot of stickers and songs since then!
bonus round!
Here’s an acoustic version of “Blame It on The Dog,” released Feb. 28, 2020 on Stories: Live & Unplugged
ch. 2 merch feature
I asked Billy Ray if he wanted to pick Ch. 2’s merch feature, but he didn’t have much to say. So we’re gonna piggyback on the bonus video with some Stories: Live & Unplugged stuff:
